It is May 30, 2014, 10:38 PM on a Friday night during the
summer break between my freshman and sophomore year of college. I come to you
while taking a break from writing one of two essays necessary to submit the
scholarship application of the McCombs School of Business, two essays that are
supposed to prove that I am worthy of the few thousands of dollars the school
will maybe throw my way if I can eloquently showcase that I deserve a
scholarship. But why do these two essays have to be the defining material that,
for the judges of the scholarship, carves a model of a student out of a block
of mold? In other words, these ‘judges’ don’t know anything about me except
these two essays and a few bits of personal information filled out throughout
the scholarship here and there. What if I am more than worthy of these
scholarships, but my writing skills are not the best? Or how do these ‘judges’
know that I haven’t paid some expert writing genius to bullshit these essays
for me? Moreso, who are these people even, to ‘judge’ a whole person and
whether they are deserving of an opportunity to attend college with just a
ounce of their debt pool relieved of them by just TWO ESSAYS?! I can’t help but
realize that as I am writing this essay that firmly demands “please describe
your career goals and professional areas of interests” in boring, miniscule,
gray letters—that as I stare blankly at the cursor, waiting for my hands to
type the answer that my mind does not have yet—that I simply do not know… And
that’s just it: I simply do not know what my career goals are yet, and as I am
barely sure of what my personal interests are, I could not even think of fake “professional
areas of interests” to put down. Then I realize the paradox that I am currently
living: I am writing a full essay about my career goals and interests, yet I do
not know what they are, yet I am doing so to prove myself worthy to strangers,
yet these strangers are basing their whole knowledge off my existence on two
essays that I completely BULLSHITTED, yet……
Yes, just in case you’re wondering, my mind always wonders like this,
and it is not always fun; as a matter of fact, most of the times it is not. Am
I supposed to know my career goals by now? I mean, I’ve completed a year of
college, but what does that even mean?
All I did was take a couple (okay more than a couple, more like 11) core
classes required for every student at the university, and meet this dreamy
Californian hunk, and also have my first college kiss, and then completely ruin
things, and meet my incredible foreign exchange neighbors, and join a business
frat (who do I think I am??), and possibly develop feelings for a guy who I was
friends with in high school but became closer with in college and now I’m just
so confused, and also drink for the first time (haha so many stories), and go
to frat parties (who am i???) and somewhat find myself and realize the
potential as the person I have always felt I could and should and would always
be…*GASPS FOR AIR* I am a bit of a rambler, sorry, my mother always said I was
a chatterbox—I’m beginning to believe she is right. Yea, back to this stupid
scholarship essay thing… I don’t know quite yet who I am fully, what my
interests are, what my career goals, or what my freaking major is for God’s
sake even!! And despite every disgusting, pressuring norm and requirement
society is continuously shoving in my face, I kind of think it is okay. I
really like the word “okay”: it’s like no you’re not changing the world for the
better but you’re not changing it for the worse either, you’re figuring things
out and that is simply “okay”. It is mediocre, but it’s reassuring. I think not
knowing, like at all, what I want to do at this point is okay. So I’ll leave
you with this. In a beautiful Baz Luhrmann quote (the guy who directed The Great Gatsby) the director says, “the
most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their
lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.” You hear
that folks? Not knowing what you want to do with your life is okay, I
promise. Baz said so J
